It was 3 am, and I was in sort of a crappy mood. Confused about my life, I wanted to get some emotions out. My main blog is a humor website, so I didn't want to post anything unfunny there, and my MySpace blog has become more or less an even crazier humor blog, so I didn't want it to be a downer there either. So I ended up just writing it and posting it as a "MySpace bulletin", which for those that aren't on MySpace, is simply a message that goes out to all your "friends" on a bulletin board.
I was pretty astonished by the result. By the next day I had received about fifty e-mails showing support. I was at work and had no time to reply to that many, so I posted another bulletin thanking everyone...which only made those that didn't see it the night before go looking for it and then sending their own e-mails. All told, I received over 150 e-mails due to that bulletin, which only now, three weeks later, have I finally replied to all the senders.
Anyway, the text of the bulletin was this:
Sorry, but for some reason I'm in a crappy mood. Very unlike me. I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive, no matter what. I have no idea why I would choose 2:47 am on a Wednesday night to get into a shit mood. I guess so I can post a bulletin about it without anyone actually reading it.
I need something. Rather, I need to need something.
I need a purpose.
I want to be responsible.
I don't want responsibilities.
I want to have a girlfriend. Marry her. Settle down. Have kids.
I want to be single. Not own a home. Not even HAVE a home. Travel the world. Have adventures. On my own.
I want to make more money. Save for a healthy, wealthy retirement.
I don't care about money or material things.
I want someone to tell me what path to take so I can take it.
I want the freedom to choose my own path.
I want to have a successful career in one field.
I get bored if I do any one job more than a few years.
I know exactly where I am.
I am lost.
I have heard several times that about the time you become a teenager, you think you know everything. As you grow, your conceit worsens because you learn more and more. However, you don't truly mature until you make the realization that you really don't know shit. If this is the case, I must be the most mature jackass on the face of this planet, because I've never known less than I do right now. The more I learn, the more I realize how ludicrous and nonsensical life is.
I thought about changing a few things on there before posting this, but I decided against it. It is a piece in and of itself, representing what was going through my mind three weeks ago. If I want to write it again later, I'll write it again later.
Funny...I'm not any less confused now.
11 comments:
Become a Jehovah's Witness and you will have purpose in your life.
Emmmmmmmm, sense that will never happen, I recommend drinking red wine at all hours.
Now quit being gay, and go get them tiger.
Just kidding. Life is hard and glutted with agitation. Decisions are tough at any age, and a sense of fulfillment seems out of grasp.
One day at a time bro (Michael Jordon)
Doug
You'll find what you're looking for...you have lots of time.
~ Carrie has too many passwords.
We all feel like that sometimes, even the strongest ones like you or me.But the thing is that all that will come with time when you will be ready for it all. There is time needed in life to party, to travel, to live, to experience a lot in dating , meeting people, that's the only way of getting to know what you really want and wish for in your life and what kind of person you want to share your life with. So don't worry it will all come and with all the experience you have the great chance of meeting somebody fitting you even better than you think. And then you can travel the world together, have a family or whatever else you wish for! So get up, go out and one day she'll come to you!
Wish you all the luck...
Thank you, Anonymous. :-) That was a nice comment...too bad I don't know who you are so I can thank you myself.
Well maybe one day you'll have the honour of getting to know me, I'll let you know when I'm around Cape Coral ;)...
But you can thank me, I sent a message on your personal e-mail (under Mystery)! :)
Hope you don't feel moody anymore...
Ah, I wasn't really moody when I composed it. Just thinking out loud. I haven't received any e-mail.
Could be that it came in Junk mail so you deleted it... But since I'm so nice I'll send it again...
Ok, trying to leave a comment here for the second time.
I go through stuff like this alot, that's the price I pay for being a "thinker" and single. What am I looking for, am I even looking, shouldn't someone be looking for me, etc.
We tend to start asking these questions when we feel like there's something missing in our lives. So take this temporar breakdown as a sign of you being ready for a relationship. It's your heart that's telling you that something is still missing in your life and that you are now ready to go look for it. That's why you are, and should be, asking yourself all of these questions.
I hope, and I know, you will become a very happy man someday! :)
Well, as one of the 150 emailers, I can't add much to what I already said, except to say that it's ok to still be confused. Probably the less confused you are by this life, the more deluded...then again, delusion and denial serve their purposes too. :-) :-) :-)
That is awesome if I do say so myself. It's probably exactly how most people feel about life in general, but will never admit to it... Good Luck with life, Buddy.
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