It was 3 am, and I was in sort of a crappy mood. Confused about my life, I wanted to get some emotions out. My main blog is a humor website, so I didn't want to post anything unfunny there, and my MySpace blog has become more or less an even crazier humor blog, so I didn't want it to be a downer there either. So I ended up just writing it and posting it as a "MySpace bulletin", which for those that aren't on MySpace, is simply a message that goes out to all your "friends" on a bulletin board.
I was pretty astonished by the result. By the next day I had received about fifty e-mails showing support. I was at work and had no time to reply to that many, so I posted another bulletin thanking everyone...which only made those that didn't see it the night before go looking for it and then sending their own e-mails. All told, I received over 150 e-mails due to that bulletin, which only now, three weeks later, have I finally replied to all the senders.
Anyway, the text of the bulletin was this:
Sorry, but for some reason I'm in a crappy mood. Very unlike me. I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive, no matter what. I have no idea why I would choose 2:47 am on a Wednesday night to get into a shit mood. I guess so I can post a bulletin about it without anyone actually reading it.
I need something. Rather, I need to need something.
I need a purpose.
I want to be responsible.
I don't want responsibilities.
I want to have a girlfriend. Marry her. Settle down. Have kids.
I want to be single. Not own a home. Not even HAVE a home. Travel the world. Have adventures. On my own.
I want to make more money. Save for a healthy, wealthy retirement.
I don't care about money or material things.
I want someone to tell me what path to take so I can take it.
I want the freedom to choose my own path.
I want to have a successful career in one field.
I get bored if I do any one job more than a few years.
I know exactly where I am.
I am lost.
I have heard several times that about the time you become a teenager, you think you know everything. As you grow, your conceit worsens because you learn more and more. However, you don't truly mature until you make the realization that you really don't know shit. If this is the case, I must be the most mature jackass on the face of this planet, because I've never known less than I do right now. The more I learn, the more I realize how ludicrous and nonsensical life is.
I thought about changing a few things on there before posting this, but I decided against it. It is a piece in and of itself, representing what was going through my mind three weeks ago. If I want to write it again later, I'll write it again later.
Funny...I'm not any less confused now.
